On these long lazy festive days it’s amazing the kind of bizarre web pages you can come across accidentally. Today I found the “Passport to the Pub”, a guide published by the Social Issues Research Centre in Oxford. It has been written by anthropologists as a guide to the British pub for foreign visitors. It is a fascinating read for anyone planning on visiting the UK, but probably even more so for natives like myself who can identify with everything being said but who had never really thought about it…
I’ve picked out my favourite bits and reproduced them below for your viewing pleasure - all comments are welcome 
Bar etiquette
Before you can order at all, you must learn the correct bar-counter etiquette. You will notice that the bar counter of the pub is the only place in Britain in which anything is sold or served without the formation of a queue. Many visitors have observed that queuing is almost a national pastime for the British, who will automatically arrange themselves into an orderly line at bus stops, shop counters, ice-cream stalls, lifts, entrances, exits and sometimes in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason. In the pub, by contrast, we gather haphazardly along the bar counter. This may appear contrary to all native instincts and customs, until you realise - and this is spooky - that the queue is still there, and the bar staff are aware of each person’s position in the invisible queue.
Getting served
There is no waiter service in British pubs. You have to go up to the bar to buy your drinks, and carry them back to your table. This is very good news for tourists who wish to make contact with the natives. The bar counter in a pub is possibly the only site in the British Isles in which friendly conversation with strangers is considered entirely appropriate and normal behaviour. One of the saddest sights of the British summer (or the funniest, depending on your sense of humour) is the group of thirsty tourists sitting at a table in a pub, patiently waiting for someone to come and take their order.
Paying for drinks
If you wish to pay for your drinks individually, then order individually; if you order as a group, the bar staff will total the cost and expect a single payment. If you find this ritual baffling, you are not alone: most of the tourists we interviewed found it utterly incredible. A Dutch visitor expressed the views of many when he said: “I cannot understand how the British ever manage to buy themselves a drink”.
Rounds
To the natives, round-buying is sacred. Not “buying your round” is more than just a breach of pub etiquette: it is heresy.
Introducing yourself
Don’t ever introduce yourself. The “Hi, I’m Chuck from Alabama” approach does not go down well in British pubs. Natives will cringe and squirm with embarrassment at such brashness. If your introduction is accompanied by a beaming smile and outstretched hand, they will probably find an excuse to get away from you as quickly as possible. Sorry, but that’s how it is. The British quite frankly do not want to know your name, or shake your hand - or at least not until a proper degree of mutual interest has been well established (like maybe when you marry their daughter). You will have to adopt a more subtle, less demonstrative approach.
Finding a ‘typical’ pub
Most of the tourists we interviewed were keen to find a “typical British pub”. American tourists were particularly obsessed with this question of authenticity, wanting to be constantly reassured that the pub they were in, the beer, the food - and even the barman -were “typically British”. Bar staff, generally a tolerant breed, found these persistent enquiries amusing, sometimes even endearing. Being anxious to please the customer, they almost invariably answered “oh yes, very typical”.
Choosing a drink
Of course, you are officially free to drink whatever you like in British pubs. But if you are keen to understand and participate in native customs, you should remember that “What’s yours?” is a socially loaded question. From your choice of beverage, the natives will make all sorts of assumptions about your social background, your age, your class, your personality and even your sexual orientation. Although some allowances may be made for foreign ignorance or eccentricity, they will judge you according to the rules of British drinking etiquette, not those of your own culture.
Most natives will not able to explain the British rules with any degree of clarity. Indeed, many a native will deny that there are any rules, insisting that everyone drinks what they like in Britain and that he drinks pints of lager only because it is thirst-quenching and he happens to like the taste (just as teenagers claim that they wear the latest street-fashion item because it is comfortable). You don’t have to believe him.
Do not try order fancy cocktails or un-British drinks such as iced tea, as local pubs are not familiar with these drinks, even though they may have all the necessary ingredients.
Working-class females have the widest choice of beverages, in terms of social acceptability. Pub etiquette allows them to drink almost anything that takes their fancy - from creamy or sweet liqueurs and cocktails, to the full range of soft-drinks, “designer-drinks” and beers. The only minor restriction is on the size of glass from which they may drink their chosen beer. In many working-class circles, drinking “pints” is considered unfeminine and unladylike, so the majority of women in this social category drink “halves”.
Next in order of freedom of choice are middle-class females. They are somewhat more constrained, in that the more sickly-sweet liqueurs and cocktails are regarded as rather vulgar by this social group. Female pint-drinking, however, is now acceptable, particularly among students, the under-25s and the aristocracy. Among students, our researchers found that females often felt they had to provide an explanation if they ordered a half rather than a pint. Middle-class females can also partake freely of all wines, spirits, ciders, sherries and soft-drinks.
Lower on the freedom-scale are middle-class males, whose choice is far more restricted than that of their female peers. In the pub, they may drink only beer, spirits (with or without mixers), wine (dry, not sweet) and soft-drinks. Sweet or creamy beverages and fanciful cocktails are regarded as suspiciously “feminine”, and ordering them will cast doubt on your masculinity.
Finally, the working class males, who have very little choice at all. They can drink only beer or spirits - everything else being effeminate. Among older working-class males, even mixers may be frowned upon, gin-and-tonic being a possible exception. Younger males in this socio-economic group have slightly more freedom: among the under-25s, vodka-and-Coke is acceptable, for example, and etiquette allows young males to consume the latest novelties and “designer” bottled drinks, providing they have a reasonably high alcohol content. But as a rule-of-thumb, you would be wise to assume that anything other than beer or straight spirits is likely to be seen as a “girly” choice. If you want to drink soft-drinks, say that you are driving or invent some rare tropical disease.
Reaction to ‘last orders’
You will witness a strange phenomenon. The sound of the bell, the flashing lights or the cry “last orders” has an extraordinary effect on the native pubgoers. You remember the scientist Pavlovâ’s dogs, who became accustomed to hearing a bell ring before being fed, and ended up salivating in anticipation of dinner every time they heard a bell?
Well, the natives don’t exactly start drooling and frothing at the mouth when they hear the ˜last orders” bell, but it does seem to trigger a similar involuntary reflex: the overwhelming urge to buy another drink. Apparently sane people, who have behaving quite normally all evening and have full glasses in front of them, will suddenly rush up to the bar, pushing and shoving in their haste to obtain that final pint. We do this automatically, even when we don’t really want another drink.
Student pubs
Student-pub customers are generally egalitarian, friendly and easy-going (unless you count the odd nervous breakdown around exam time). They enter the pub like children arriving home from school, shedding bags and coats around the place as they call out greetings, scramble for drinks and snacks and flop into chairs where they sprawl, munch and gulp contentedly. They seem to have little need for privacy or personal space, and do not regard their time as particularly precious.
Estate pubs
Estate pubs are not to everyone’s taste, but visitors with a genuine curiosity about British life and culture will find much to capture their interest. Most tourists do not have the opportunity to spend time in the homes of ordinary natives: the estate pub is as close as you will get to a behind-the-scenery perspective on Britain. Advice: if you get into conversation with an estate-pub regular, you would be wise to refrain from commenting on the appearance or behaviour of other people in the pub, as you may well be talking to their uncle, cousin or mother-in-law!
Circuit pubs
Young people in British cities and larger towns practice an ancient tribal ritual which involves sauntering from pub to pub on a Friday or Saturday night, usually following a well-defined route or sequence of pubs (the “circuit”), taking just one or two drinks in each pub before moving on to the next. You will often notice a lack of cosiness and privacy in the decor of a circuit pub. Young people come to the circuit pub to see and be seen, so bright lights, open spaces and “posing platforms” - raised areas where the trend-setters can be even more visible - are essential.
You will see very few customers over the age of 30. On a Friday or Saturday night, almost all of the customers in the circuit pub will be in the 18-25 age group. You may spot a few stray thirty-somethings, joining in the fun with determined cheerfulness, but the rare forty-something is probably a sociologist writing a book on youth-culture. Circuit-pub customers are of about the same age as student-pub customers, and have the same capacity to consume large quantities of beer, but there the similarities end. In the circuit pub, customers will be dressed in the latest street-fashions and will clearly have invested some time and effort in their appearance. Females in particular will be much more glamorous than their student-pub counterparts.
Circuit-pub behaviour is a curious mixture of spontaneous exuberance and self-conscious posing. There will be a constant flow of customers in and out of the pub, as they consume the statutory one or two drinks before circuit etiquette requires them to move on to the next pub, all entrances and departures being performed with maximum noise and fanfare. The volume [of the music] suggests that it is considerably more important than conversation, which tends to be limited either to monosyllabic shouted exchanges or a rather awkward kind of semaphore.
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It has been a long time since my last post… maybe my New Year’s resolution should be to be a more regular blogger…
I wish my reader(s) a Merry Christmas, I hope you have had a happy holiday period and received everything you asked for.
 My main present this year was a black Arai Condor motorbike helmet. It is much more comfortable than my current three year old AGV, plus it’s a better colour match for my current bike and Alpinestars leathers - yes, I have become a biking tart! 
The Condor is a much better fit on my head than my old AGV, since my eyeline is much higher in the visor and my chin does not protrude from under the chin bar. Unfortunately, it will be at least a week before I can use it in anger.
 I also received one of those plug-in video games, which contains the greatest video game of all time, in my opinion - Sensible Soccer for the Megadrive (or Genesis on the other side of the pond). The graphics may be very poor and and the complexity of gameplay minimal by today’s standards, but that is precisely the point. You can pick it up and play without having to memorise lots of joypad commands or whatever. It will be getting a *lot* of abuse over the coming weeks!
 In addition to my new helmet, another improvement to my biking is that I have started wearing contact lenses. I took up the free trial at Specsavers when I had my regular eye test recently and have since started using their monthly disposable soft lenses at £13/month, which includes all the lenses, solution and check-ups you need.
I never thought I would be able to stick something in my eye, and indeed it was a bit tricky when I first started doing it. Now that I’ve got the hang of it though I find it takes no more than five minutes to get them in on a morning and maybe ten minutes to take them out and clean them properly on a night. Occasionally I also need to give my eyelids a good clean with baby shampoo and cotton buds to stop a bit of redness I’ve had previously.
Since I walk to work, being able to see where I’m going when the weather is wet is something of a revelation, as is being able to see as soon as I get inside without having to wait for steaming to clear. On the bike, I find that my peripheral vision is much improved and, as the visor is much less prone to steaming up than my glasses were, it is less annoying to ride in damp weather.
All in all, I’d recommend them to anyone who can wear them.
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